earsucker

For your viewing pleasure:

Metal By Numbers
Music by Scott Ian
Lyrics by Brian Posehn

VERSE 1:
They’ve killed METAL twice, but it will never really die!
It’s kind of like a zombie or even that Jesus guy…

So grab your friends, some instruments and start a metal band
Just sing about death, Egypt and wizards or rip off Ayn Rand

We’re coming to the end of the first verse…
Then comes the breakdown, a pretty chorus and then the second verse.

I know I just rhymed verse with verse
That’s because I’m sooo METAL, bitch, where’s your fucking purse?

PRE-CHORUS(BREAKDOWN):

BREAKDOWN!!! In this part it sounds like the singer wants to fight…
BREAKDOWN!!! Don’t be scared, the chorus will make it all alright

CHORUS:

Metal by numbers, 1, 2, 3
Follow these rules and you will see
Cookie monster vocals or yell like a wookie
Metal by numbers, COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE
Metal by numbers, 1, 2, 3
THIS IS THE GAY PART, with melody
Even a baby could do it, just give it a try
Just sound like Maiden or Metallica or Every Time I Die

SECOND VERSE:

I have to change my voice to make me sound (gang) MAD!
If I tried to sing clean it would make your ears (gang) SAD!

This is the (gang) GANG VOCAL and I’ll tell you the (gang) TRUTH!
It’s four sweaty dudes yelling in a (gang) BOOTH!

Music really sucks now Posers and trendy FOOLS
But compared to Coldplay and Nelly, EVEN SHITTY METAL RULES!
It’s metal by numbers, it’s not arithmetic
John Mayer, Kelly Clarkson…they all can suck my PENIS!

PRE-CHORUS(BREAKDOWN):

BREAKDOWN!!! In this part it sounds like the singer wants to fight…
BREAKDOWN!!! Don’t be scared, the chorus will make it all alright

CHORUS:

Metal by numbers, 1, 2, 3
Follow these rules and you will see
Cookie monster vocals or yell like a wookie
Metal by numbers, COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE
Metal by numbers, 1, 2, 3
THIS IS THE GAY PART, with melody
Even a monkey could do it, just give it a try
Copy Maiden or Metallica or Every Time I Die

MOSH PART:
(BUILD UP)
Here it comes! C’mon! All Right!
ARE YOU ALMOST READY??
Dammit! I missed it!

(SPOKEN) This is the mosh part! MOSH!!!
Or don’t. It’s your call. I just stand in the back and try not to get hit. Watch out for the shirtless white trash guys. They’ll punch you and they stink. And look out for the screamo kids practicing their karate kicks. Dude, you look gaytarded. Oh no. Here comes a giant Mexican – he looks really pissed. I wish everybody would put their shirts back on, it’s kind of gross. Is this part still going? Here comes the lead break…Oh, not yet. Here it comes… here it comes. GO!

SOLO(Jon Donais)

CHORUS:

Metal by numbers, 1, 2, 3
Follow these rules and you will see
Cookie monster vocals or yell like a wookie
Metal by numbers, COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE!
Metal by numbers, 1, 2, 3
THIS IS THE GAY PART, with melody
Even a retard could do it, JUST GIVE IT A TRY!
Steal from Maiden or Metallica or Every Time I Die

Verdict: Absolutely hilarious.

This track, “Wasted”, from their debut LP, “On Through The Night”, keeps Def Leppard in the heart of the 80′s music scene. Sporting his union jack t-shirt, Joe Elliott belts out the lyrics to this classic. This video is shot live from Germany’s Rockpalast gig, where they played with the likes of Ozzy Osbourne, Judas Priest, and Quiet Riot, just to name a few.

Def Leppard are currently in support of their newest album, “Yeah!”. Supporting them, is Journey, the kings of ballad tunes from the 80′s era. For touring information, go to their site here.

Verdict: Def Leppard is not just for the 80′s anymore, folks. They’re here to stay.

This little gem I found via Fark, is definitely the most hilarious thing out there right now. The title, “It Came With No Talent”, sums it all up. Watch this black and white short and be amazed. How do you make them go away? You stop paying attention to them!

Verdict: Thumbs up to Betterthanthemachine.net for making this happen. I’m still laughing.

Self described as “REAL paranormal music! Using EVP from the graveyards of New Jersey and Philadephia! Symphonic horror with real ghosts…”, Dark Asylum’s musical composition is hauntigly terrific. My favorite track? “Lady of the Spider”, hands down. $10 is all they’re asking for this twisted compilation of dead spirits and despair? Get this, it’s a deal.

Tracie Austin defines EVP as:

Electronic voice phenomenon or EVP for short is quite basically voices and other utterances that appear on audiotape and digital media without the person/s being aware of it at the time the recording was taking place. In most examples of EVP, the voice or voices only speak a few words and some of the voices can be very distinct and yet others hardly coherent at all.

Makes me want to run out and rent “White Noise” again.

Verdict: This is going to rock on Halloween :) – Beautiful.

I was originally going to post something about Paris Hilton’s video for “Stars are blind”, but this is just too funny to keep quiet about.
Via BBC News:

Banksy has replaced Hilton’s CD with his own remixes and given them titles such as Why am I Famous?, What Have I Done? and What Am I For?

He has also changed pictures of her on the CD sleeve to show the US socialite topless and with a dog’s head.

A spokeswoman for Banksy said he had doctored 500 copies of her debut album Paris in 48 record shops across the UK.

Apparently, some agree:

No customers had complained or returned a doctored version, he said.

No lawsuit has ensued? Maybe Paris Hilton is wondering, too, why she’s famous.

And, about the “Stars are blind” video: Leave the black and white screened lovers frolicking on the beach to Chris Isaak, you weirdo.

Even though this band is still seeking out a guitarist, A.D.O.M.’s sound is quite tantalizing. They’ve only posted four MIDIs on their Myspace page, but it’s hard to miss the talent that went into this sound. Their first track, “When did this happen” is very instrumentally and beautifully put together. Their song, “The walk” is a slower, fun sound and makes me remember the 80′s, when keyboards were alive in the music and you could record the music off the radio with your tape player.

Verdict: Can’t wait for them to release the real thing, you don’t want to miss this.

PS. The band is very personable and that’s a definite bonus.

There really isn’t anything nice I can say about this band or video. The singer looks like Ashton Kutcher and their sound reminds me of bluesy rehashed classic rock. Leave it to Led Zeppelin, boys.

Verdict: The devil got a holda the lyrics. It coulda been worse, I imagine.

Lyrics here

Carlos Mencia needs no introduction, really. This video is hilarious and rings true (lowering the standards?).

For your viewing pleasure:

Verdict: Pure comedy genius.

This is the worst video/song ever. The “Hoff” attempts to lure three women into his “talking car” (ahem, KITT). This video is somewhat retro and ridiculously stupid. The girls rebuff Hasselhoff, but later, one is talked into allowing him to take her home. Only when he finds out how far home is for her, he tells her to get out of his car. The Hoff should’ve stuck to Baywatch.

Verdict: Never get into a car with a stranger.

I couldn’t have said this better than her myspace page:

Combine the violin mastery of Nigel Kennedy, the voice of some alien Siouxsie/Reznor hybrid, and the looks of a post-apocalyptic Marie Antoinette, and what do you get? Emilie Autumn. The pink-haired princess of “victoriandustrial” has already morphed her way from classically trained violin prodigy to extreme rock performer with the ability to shred on a fiddle like Yngwie, and with a cult following to match.

Buy this now. This is the ultimate in the gothic music experience.

Verdict: Masterful.

On their myspace, I found the unusual sound that is Epica. This music is not like anything I’ve heard before and I can’t stop listening to “Dance of Fate”. Download this now. It is the best metal out there fronted by a female singer.  Very finely crafted musicianship.  The singer, Simone Simons, sings from the heart.  The rest of the band is very complimentary to her vocal style in this composition.
Verdict: Go see these guys live, I would, if they were local.

If you’re into speed metal, like I am, then you will definitely enjoy the sound of Hybrid Machinima. The sound, sounds to me, as if they are influenced by Metallica and Slayer. Their first song, “Virtualputrefaction” on their myspace page, is reminiscent of “Motorbreath” from Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All album.
Don’t miss this mix of speed metal and thrash.

Verdict: Very nicely done. Grab this mix.