EarSucker

Every year, where I work, we have this same old lame Christmas party. We’re not even allowed to call it a Christmas party, either. We’re to refer to it as our “holiday” party. Oh the thrill, right?

Everyone usually has a certain part they play at the Christmas party where I work, too. The executives, who all sit at their reserved table, and don’t know your names, to the DJ.

Here’s my rundown of how Christmas parties should be, or at least mine.

There’s the VP Exec guy that passes out the gifts when your name is called. I would have Dave Mustaine take his job, just because he would be way cooler. He could give you that mug that you know you’ve been longing for all year, but never shucked out that five bucks for. And he could autograph it!

Then there’s the bartender chick who diligently passes out the liquor, knowing that she’s not making crap for tips the entire evening. This is primarily because the executive VP types think it should be her honor to be in their presence.

I’d have Lily Allen take that job. She’d be perfect, not only would she try to get you trashed, she’d get trashed, too. She doesn’t have to worry about tips, either, she’s got tons of cash. Something to ’smile’ about, yes?

Then you’ve got the clown. You know, the one that is wayyyyy drunk way too early? She’s sitting on everyone else’s husbands laps and smoking like a freight train….

That job is all for Britney Spears. Then we could have someone to make fun of.

Ya can’t forget about the DJ, either, his job is important. He plays the tracks that you want to listen to. Ours played country and 50s music, the horror! He’s fired. The new DJ of the evening is Eminem. He’s just awesome and you can call him your ’superman’. He’ll play all the cool music.

Then you have the friend that came alone to the party, but is still cool with you. She’s the one that tells you your boyfriend is hot, but wouldn’t ever make a play for him. She’s the one at the office that always runs out for coffee for everyone and never complains.

This is Kelly Clarkson.

Then you got the outcasts, these people really don’t want to be there, because they’re just too cool for the occasion. They came for the free liquor. They party and leave. It was almost like they were never even there.

These two are Dani Filth and Emilie Autumn.

Your manager is usually in attendance at these events. He sugarcoats everything for you and tells you that you’re doing wonderfully, even though you may not be. Why ruin Christmas, right? Wrong. He’s fired, too. His job now goes to Trent Reznor. Trent will give a big FU to the establishment, tell you how he really feels, and will still party hard with you.

The caterer at the party brings you your plate and tells you to enjoy your meal. This job would go to Joe Elliott. He’d bring you your dinner and sing you a melody while you’re eating.

And last, but definitely not least, your date for the evening….he’s hot, he’s got a ton of cash, and your picture will be taken wherever you show up.

That’s Rob Thomas.

Who would you invite?