earsucker

Because apparently there are so many people on this planet who are preoccupied with the contents of Jennifer Aniston’s uterus, Us Magazine is featuring her on their cover. And no, it’s not twins this time. It’s the BABY COUNTDOWN!

According to the cover, Jennifer has decided to quit smoking and drinking, which is the first sign that she’s incubating a fetus. The second sign? She’s decorating her new home with her boyfriend, Justin Theroux. Clearly, she’s thinking of babies there. I mean, who redecorates their home without the thoughts of babies clamoring in their heads? No one I know. And the most obviously truthiness about the whole thing, she’s gaining weight and having morning sickness, which would seem like an oxymoron.

To discount all of the above, I’ll need to take a few minutes to enjoy my frosty beverage while pondering how Us Magazine manages to pay people to come up with this BS.

Point 1: She quit smoking and drinking. Logical explanation: She wants to be healthy.
Point 2: She’s redecorating her home. Logical explanation: She’s human and likes new things.
Point 3: She’s having morning sickness and gaining weight. Logical explanation: Weight gain caused by getting comfy with her new man. (Married men, I know you hear me on this.) Morning sickness: Would affect said weight gain, and by reason of nature, must be a lie.

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• Star magazine: Jennifer Aniston is having a baby!
• Jennifer Aniston denies Mexican baby adoption reports
• Jennifer Hudson’s Baby Bump – Photo
• Life & Style Magazine: Jennifer Aniston Pregnant With Twins (Photo)
• Star Magazine: Kate Middleton Is 95 Pounds & Having A Baby (Photo)
• OK! Magazine: The Plan To Get Jennifer Lopez & Ben Affleck Back Together (Photo)
• Us Weekly: How Jennifer Aniston Pulled An Angelina Jolie (Photo)
• Jennifer Hudson told not to lose any more weight?
• Life & Style Magazine: Ashley Hebert Tortured For Her Looks (Photo)