earsucker

Just in case you could use a good chuckle to brighten up your tax day, we’ve learned that former famewhore Heidi Montag is giving music a try again. Because we all know how that one worked out so well, right? Perhaps this time she can sell 700 copies? Or would she just be shooting rubberbands at the stars there?

Us Magazine reports:

On April 11, Heidi Montag released her Dreams Come True EP, and as expected, the cover art featured the 25-year-old showing off her body in a skimpy pink monokini. (In November 2009, Montag famously got 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day; she first got a breast augmentation and rhinoplasty in April 2007.)

The EP features four previously released songs — “Your Love Found Me,” “Party Is Wherever I Am,” “No More” and “Overdosin” — and is a follow-up to her 2010 album Superficial, which sold less than 1,000 in its first week of release.

We won’t call it a comeback, because that’s obviously what this is not. Were you a fan of this twit’s music? Were you hoping for a full album of all new music?

At twenty-five years old, former reality television actress Heidi Montag is gearing up for her very first autobiography. Wait, does anyone still know who she is? We do live in an ADD society, don’t we? In case you’ve forgotten, she’s the bleach blonde stick who had ten plastic surgeries in one day only to emerge as FrankenBarbie, only a jacked up version.

Along with her husband, Spencer Pratt, they have faked a pregnancy, wedding, divorce rumors and have done several reality shows. Still, the thing she’s most known for is her failed music career and those stupid surgeries.

Yet, she wants to share all of her experiences with all of us little people. A source said, “She’ll talk about the control that Spencer exerted over here, which forced her to make bad decisions that ultimately got her kicked off The Hills. A big chunk of the book will be about how Heidi befriended Lauren and how devastated she was when she ended up dumping her as her BFF. Maybe something positive will come out of it. She’s happy to have people read the full story and make up their own minds.”

Do people still care about her feud with LC? Seriously?

She’s also gearing up to talk about her ten surgeries in one day. The source added, “She blames a lot of it on the pressure of being in the public spotlight. She wanted to make herself look like a Barbie doll.”

Mattel should totally sue her for throwing their trademark around.

Photo Credit: Fame Pictures

As if we’re supposed to give them a collective “Awwww…poor baby!”, reality idiots Heidi Montag and her moron husband, Spencer Pratt have revealed that they’re flat busted — BROKE! Ha. It couldn’t happen to nicer people, could it?

They faked EVERYTHING, so I can’t say that I feel sorry for them. Their entire existence is stupid. Let alone the fact that they managed to have careers in reality television. These embeciles were mugging it up anywhere they could draw the paparazzi. He was hated and she was just dumb for going along with it. Now they’re broke, wahhhhhhhhh.

After starring on The Hills, they became hated for every move that they made. With good reason, too. These two were cheesing it up at Taco Bell, in the park — and in the Taco Bell in the park, if they could. Everywhere they were smiling like they were God’s gift to humanity.

So it doesn’t make me feel bad at all that they’re now living rent free at Spencer’s parent’s house in Santa Barbara. Cry me a freakin’ river, morons.

In a new interview, Heidi said, “I thought I was investing in myself and my brand, like Kim (Kardashian). I thought I had that potential. My ego got too big. To think I could be someone like that when I was the most hated girl ever.”

Spencer revealed, “What we learned is, you can be too famous. This isn’t a business. That was the big thing I didn’t get. Reality TV is not a career. Anyone who says, ‘Oh, you can have a career in reality’ — that is a lie.”

Do you feel bad for them?

Photo Credit: Fame Pictures

Heidi Montag was hanging out with runaway bride Crystal Harris in Las Vegas over the weekend. So, of course she had to use the opportunity to discuss her body and those fake boobs.

Now, this bubblehead wants us all to believe that she actually spends 14 hours a day working out. Okay……

In 2009, she underwent ten plastic surgery procedures in one day, but apparently that didn’t stop her hand-to-mouth action, which she says caused her to put on a few pounds.

She said, “I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape. And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.”

To lose the extra 27 pounds that she claims she added to her waistline, she’s been busy running and trying to get her metabolism boosted. She said, “I’ve been running a lot, and I’ve been doing weights. When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to.”

Then, she decided to talk about her boobs. She added, “My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time. So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”

You really can’t have a post about Heidi Montag without some kind of surgery or boob reference, can you?

Bubble-headed bleached blondes stick together!

A newly single Crystal Harris spent her weekend partying in Las Vegas with Heidi Montag, instead of spending Saturday afternoon marrying Playboy mogul, Hugh Hefner.

Apparently, the bunny wasn’t too far off of her mind, as she perused the July issue of the magazine, featuring her with the caption, “Mrs. Crystal Hefner”. She also got a copy of the magazine minus the newly added “Runaway Bride” sticker.

Of course, when Heidi is involved, every little pose becomes a photo shoot. So, obviously Crystal picked the right person to party with to show that she’s totally over Hef.

Still, though, she’s a heartless beast. She was rumored to be planning to leave him at the altar, in front of cameras, for a whopping $500,000.

Of the getaway, Crystal said, “I’m doing okay. I just had to get away. Today is the day and I just had to get away. I’m going back tonight so I just wanted to get away for the day.”

Ugh. At least she broke things off before she married him. Good riddance to bad rubbish, right?

Virgin Mobile concocted their fake celebrity couple, Spencer and Sarah, now known as “Sparah”. Since their manufactured existence, Spencer Pratt has become miffed. He said that the new duo is just a ripoff of their scheme. He even went as far as demanding Virgin Mobile pay him and his wife, Heidi Montag, money for snagging their likeness.

Sparah ripped into Speidi, basically saying that they don’t have time to feud with the fake television personalities….primarily because they’re not even real celebrities! Ha! I like these two already.

TMZ has the scoop:

But reps for “Sparah” — the spoof celeb couple who stars in Virgin Mobile’s new ad campaign — tell us, Virgin’s new duo has zero time to respond to Spencer’s diatribe “due to their pressing endorsement commitments with Virgin Mobile and their frequent interactions with real celebrities.”

I can’t blame Sparah for not wanting to waste any time bickering with these twits. They’ve had more than their fifteen minutes and there’s a new celebrity duo in town.

In an attempt to generate some much needed buzz about Heidi Montag’s new reality television show, Famous Food, the producers of the show have banned her husband, Spencer Pratt, from the set.

Wasn’t it a mere two days ago that this bobble-headed Barbie was saying that she wanted to live a more private life? In a recent interview, she said, “From now on, I’m going to keep my life a little more private. I think I was just doing The Hills for so long and I just needed a break. Plus, I enjoy my privacy.”

How long did you think that would last?!??

According to reports, head honchos at the show haven’t wanted Spencer around since its inception — and even Heidi agreed with them. Of course she did, it brings headlines to their names, doesn’t it?

TMZ has more:

We’re told producers were adamant … Spencer wasn’t allowed on the set, near the set, or to be involved in any way whatsoever — and not wanting bad blood … Heidi agreed to keep her man at bay.

We’re told Spencer has behaved himself so far — but we’re not getting our hopes up.

We’re going to go out on a limb here and say that this was all planned just for the show’s benefit. Call it a hunch. So much for trying to keep things private, right? Everything about these two screams, “Publicity stunt!”

Heidi Montag and her husband Spencer Pratt have been tweeting out links to OMGiv.com (mostly Spencer). Apparently this is their new website — and it’s unfinished!

Okay, so we did a little bit of nosing around and found out some goodies about the new celebrity gossip website. They purchased the domain on March 11, 2011 through GoDaddy.com. So there goes a whopping $11.99!

We’ve since learned that they’re using WordPress as a blogging platform, along with the free WordPress theme, Delicious Magazine. Total for that??? FREE.

And how do we know that the website is not finished? The photo above is of the screen when “About” is clicked, leading to this “sample page”.

What we want to know is what’s up with that cheesy logo? It sounds like they’re in desperate need of some help in the blogging department. It’s all good, guys — all of this won’t prove that you’ve got what it takes to be Charlie Sheen’s Tiger Blood Intern….so you can give it up already.

Despite reports, we’ve learned that Heidi Montag is not joining the fifth season of Celebrity Rehab!

Rumors swirled on the internet yesterday, suggesting that the former reality star had already joined the cast of the show to deal with an addiction to prescription medications. A source said, “Heidi was dropped off at the house two days ago by a friend. She is going to be on season five with the rest of the cast.”

Like everything else that Heidi is involved in, this has turned out to be fake, too. She revealed, “No, I’m not joining the cast. It sounds like a great cast and I can’t wait to watch this season!”

I wish someone would give her a job already, so we could stop hearing the rumors about her.

This whole Heidi Montag/Real Housewives drama started when Heidi tweeted, “Watch out Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Here comes Heidi.”

Bravo executive Andy Cohen commented that he would rather die than have her on the show. Well, maybe not die, but it wasn’t nice, either. He said, “Professionally, I’m not supposed to discuss any negotiations so I have to parse my words here. That trash is delusional and I would sooner stab…knives into my own eyes than see her on this network.”

He went on to say, “But good news, Heidi, you’re on my show tonight…because you’re the Jackhole of the Week.”

When the LULZ hit the internet, Heidi got offended — even though the only thing that she was seeking from this was publicity. She has taken the whiney approach, saying that he’s basically picking on her.

She said, “Andy’s tasteless remarks were hurtful and completely unnecessary. I was simply being playful. I’m well aware I’m not the right demo for that show, but Andy Cohen took it to a malicious place. I have always been a fan of the Housewives franchise and I don’t appreciate being bullied.”

And we can’t stop laughing. Eight shiny gold stars for Andy, he’s our newest hero. If Heidi needs a job, then she needs to hit HotJobs.com and find something that she can do well…I hear the Hilton might be hiring cleaning ladies.

We were just getting ready to throw Jennifer Aniston a slick high five after hearing reports that she had Heidi Montag banned from walking the red carpet for the premiere of their new movie, Just Go With It. That was, until we found out that it was probably just another publicity stunt from this reality show twit.

The movie made its premiere on Tuesday, and Heidi unleashed a few choice words for Jennifer. She said, “I’m so upset. I was so excited! This is the first movie I’ve ever been in and I can’t walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was ‘too polarizing’. I’ve been such a huge Jennifer Aniston fan my entire life and it’s just really upsetting that she would do this to me.”

Then, Heidi undug the foot from her mouth and released a new statement. She said, “I read that Jennifer had banned me from the premiere for being too polarizing, but I know now that it wasn’t true. It never really made sense to me because Jennifer is such a sweetheart and she even commented before on a red carpet about how interesting and fun it was to have me in the movie. I got my invite and I would have loved to be there, but I had to be in Los Angeles with my dogs. I was honored to be a part of such a great movie and I apologize to Jennifer and Sony for this big misunderstanding.”

Who else thinks that she did this for the publicity? Who else would call Heidi Montag “polarizing”, except for her biggest fan…Herself???

Apparently, Heidi Montag is still holding out hope for some kind of career in music. She has just released her new song, Heartbeat, and it is just plain awful!

Don’t believe me? Have a listen to this auto-tuned mess yourself:

The song was just released on Tuesday and already a good portion of the people that bought her first album have already viewed it! (See photo above, which was screen capped at the time of this writing, which is 1:28 AM EST.)

What do you think of Heidi’s new song?? Is it worthy of your hard-earned dollars? I sincerely thought she may have taken the hint when her first album, Superficial, FLOPPED.

I don’t know if I believe this or not, but Heidi Montag says that she was offered a spot on Dancing With The Stars. She also revealed that she had to turn down said spot on the dancing competition because of contractual obligations with MTV and the fact that she was afraid of getting get hurt. Oh boohoo.

A source close to The Hills actress said, “It was before her surgeries and so I’m not sure if she wants to risk it now. She already took an elbow from a dancer on the set of her song, Overdosin’, and she’s scared of getting hurt.”

Was that elbow on purpose?!??

She was pitched by her agent to become the co-host of the show, before Brooke Burke landed the job. Then, they reportedly approached her to become a contestant, but The Hills took precedence…and afterward, I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here!

The source added, “She was devasted, she had even started training on the side.”

She was devastated AND scared to get hurt?!?? We’re not buying it. Are YOU?

According to a close friend of Dr. Frank Ryan’s, Heidi Montag was harboring a secret crush on him. Well, she sure has a crazy way of showing it!

His friend, Dawn DaLuise, said, “I believe she had a crush on him. I believe she was romantically obsessed with him….she saw him as a knight in shining armor.”

Heidi has claimed that Dr. Ryan wanted her to “be his Barbie doll”, but Dawn said that it was more like the other way around. She said, “He sent texts and emails to friends saying that she wanted to be a Barbie, she wanted to look exactly like a Barbie.”

Reportedly, Dr. Ryan even went as far as trying to talk her out of her quest for perfection. Dawn said, “He presented why he didn’t think this was a good idea.”

Dawn went on to reveal that “She showed up at the office uninvited” and that co-workers knew “he wouldn’t take her calls.” She added, “She began that pursuit only after he was rebuking her on a personal and social level.”

This chick would sell out her own mother if she thought it would give her press!

Last year, Heidi Montag underwent a series of ten surgeries in one day so that she could alter her appearance. Her doctor, Dr. Frank Ryan, performed the surgeries all in one day, much to the dismay of critics.

Yesterday, Heidi felt the need to blast Dr. Ryan, even though he passed away earlier this year in a car accident.

Per our report from yesterday:

Despite making money off of her surgeries, Heidi went on to reveal that hindsight is always 20/20 and wouldn’t go through with it again if she had it all to do over. She said, “I wouldn’t do it again…If I could go back, I wouldn’t have had them. It was a lot harder, then I was led on by my doctor. I didn’t know how excessive it really was.”

Now, a friend of his, Dawn DaLuise says that she knows the reason behind Heidi’s comments. She said, “She is desecrating his memory.” She went on to reveal that Heidi had become obsessed with Dr. Ryan and he was forced to turn down her advances.

Dawn said, “Heidi Montag is taking advantage of Dr. Ryan’s death. Her PR people and agents were weighing the options of her either attending the memorial service for him on Monday or going on TV and talking about him and I guess she decided to trash him instead of remember him. Heidi is just trying to stay famous.”

Dawn added, “Heidi was fixated with Dr. Ryan. He told friends that she used to show up and try to talk to him all the time. She was obsessed with him and he spurned her advances.”

SNAP!

Heidi Montag seemed to enjoy her ten plastic surgeries in one day, but now she’s blasting the man who made it possible, Dr. Frank Ryan. Even though he passed away in a freak car accident this August, she pulls no stops in calling him out for saying her surgeries weren’t excessive.

Heidi says that she has regrets over the surgical procedures, and wouldn’t have gone through with it if Dr. Ryan hadn’t convinced her it wasn’t excessive.

She said, “It’s not who I am. It’s something I did. It was a choice that I made, and I wanted other women and people to know, ‘Yeah, I have insecurities and so does everyone, and this is what I did, and I don’t want to lie about it, and I don’t want to cover it up. I don’t like lying. It’s just not who I am. In retrospect, I do wish I never would have said anything.”

Despite making money off of her surgeries, Heidi went on to reveal that hindsight is always 20/20 and wouldn’t go through with it again if she had it all to do over. She said, “I wouldn’t do it again…If I could go back, I wouldn’t have had them. It was a lot harder, then I was led on by my doctor. I didn’t know how excessive it really was.”

Still, she’s happy to report that the surgery didn’t go wrong or leave her with any scarring. She added, “It was a lot and I’m very thankful for how it turned out. It could have been disastrous.”

Attention hog. Attacking a man who is not here to defend himself…now that’s just wrong!

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have been offered the chance at making a film, but not a sex tape of themselves — just yet anyways.

Vivid Entertainment has sent the famewhoring couple a letter, offering them the opportunity to direct an adult film, straight out of their wildest fantasies. It will be titled, Spencer and Heidi…Beyond Our Wildest Dreams. In addition to directing, the letter also states that if they want to hop into a scene, Vivid won’t stop them.

According to reports, Spencer is interested. Figures, right?

Heidi Montag and husband Spencer Pratt are feeling the pinch of the current economic crisis, after being irresponsible with a whole lot of money.

The couple have wasted a whopping $10 million, $35,000 a month on rent, $3 million for Heidi’s music career (buying songs for $40,000 a piece), renting studios, paying producers, spending cash on Heidi’s surgeries, cars and private jets. Now, they’re not asking for sympathy (because they wouldn’t get it), but they will be forced into bankruptcy.

Spencer said, “We were immature, worrying too much about the famous part instead of the actual business part. In hindsight, we shouldn’t have spent any of our money. We should have been low-key and saved. We spoke with a bankruptcy attorney and I’ve looked into unemployment checks.”

They went on to reveal that they had spent money from unaired episodes of The Hills, but were devastated financially when they didn’t receive payment for the episodes and were cut from the final season. (continue reading…)

Ugh. These two are just killing me. Aren’t Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s fifteen minutes up yet?

Shenanigan after shenanigan and we still bought into it. She even filed for divorce to take the ruse that much further. They went down “separately” to Costa Rica TOGETHER and we still bought it.

Like Twisted Sister said, We’re Not Gonna Take It anymore!

Have you had enough of these two losers and their con game?

It’s a slow news day, so I thought I would sate your need for ahem, news, by showing you Heidi Montag famewhoring it up in Costa Rica.

Perhaps she should have purchased a bikini tarp instead of top? Glad I kept this story in my back pocket for days like this. You can thank me later, even though I’m sure this was totally staged.

Spencer Pratt claims that he was busted for felony possession of a firearm. After all he’s lied about, I doubt he was arrested at all [Captain Obvious rears his ugly head]. He said he was processed at a local jail and after he signed a confession to the local DA.

I think Spencer and his hooker wife should stop lying for the cameras so they can get attention. His “arrest” is obviously a publicity stunt that he and his wife do all the time because they are egotistical morons with nothing else to do.

Spencer says, “As part of my spiritual cleansing I’ve spent the last week living alone in the jungle, reflecting on my past transgressions, and working to become a better person. I had to live off the land, and hunt to survive. As I departed the country this morning to continue my spiritual journey, I mistakenly brought my hunting weapons to the airport. It was an honest mistake, and they sent me on my way. On an unrelated note, I’m not allowed in the country anymore — but that’s because of the chicken incident.”

It’s all bullcrap. Everything he says has no value to anyone. EVER!!! And what is this chicken incident he speaks of?

Holy mother of God, if there is a God in Heaven (I know you hear me up there), then please pleaaaaaaaaaase let Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt keep their famewhoring selves right in Costa Rica where they belong.

It’s a perfect fit to the puzzle. They have faked a pregnancy, a marriage (it could’ve happened), faken an album release (unfortunately this really happened) and have faked a sex tape release. The only thing they’re missing is the reconciliation, the relocation and the procreation of little Costa Rican famewhores just like mommy and daddy.

TMZ has more:

Sources directly connected with Spencer tell TMZ … he wants to move to Costa Rica for two reasons — it’s a lot cheaper than L.A., and he would be closer to Heidi and possibly salvage his marriage.

Of course, reason #2 assumes Heidi is also moving to Costa Rica. So we checked with sources in direct contact with her, and they’re now telling us Heidi is indeed noodling on the idea of living in the Republica de Costa Rica.

So the question — Is this whole divorce thing a pile? Heidi’s friends are kinda hedging, saying she loves Spencer but doesn’t know how to deal with all the problems.

Please, lord MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Yours truly, the Earsucker writer. P.S. If you could possibly find it in your heart to also send them a hurricane, I’d totally owe you one.

Heidi Montag wants you to know that she is contemplative. Okay, not really. But she is using any and every opportunity possible to keep her name in the media. So why should her boobs be any different?

In what seemed like a bit of a PSA, Heidi dished some details on how to keep her breast implants soft. She tweeted, “Giving my self a soft tissue breast massage. Ladies, we have to keep those implants soft.”

Just who is she referring to? “Ladies” doesn’t exactly encompass too many of the people in Hollywood. This has me perplexed.