earsucker

At twenty-five years old, former reality television actress Heidi Montag is gearing up for her very first autobiography. Wait, does anyone still know who she is? We do live in an ADD society, don’t we? In case you’ve forgotten, she’s the bleach blonde stick who had ten plastic surgeries in one day only to emerge as FrankenBarbie, only a jacked up version.

Along with her husband, Spencer Pratt, they have faked a pregnancy, wedding, divorce rumors and have done several reality shows. Still, the thing she’s most known for is her failed music career and those stupid surgeries.

Yet, she wants to share all of her experiences with all of us little people. A source said, “She’ll talk about the control that Spencer exerted over here, which forced her to make bad decisions that ultimately got her kicked off The Hills. A big chunk of the book will be about how Heidi befriended Lauren and how devastated she was when she ended up dumping her as her BFF. Maybe something positive will come out of it. She’s happy to have people read the full story and make up their own minds.”

Do people still care about her feud with LC? Seriously?

She’s also gearing up to talk about her ten surgeries in one day. The source added, “She blames a lot of it on the pressure of being in the public spotlight. She wanted to make herself look like a Barbie doll.”

Mattel should totally sue her for throwing their trademark around.

Photo Credit: Fame Pictures

As if we’re supposed to give them a collective “Awwww…poor baby!”, reality idiots Heidi Montag and her moron husband, Spencer Pratt have revealed that they’re flat busted — BROKE! Ha. It couldn’t happen to nicer people, could it?

They faked EVERYTHING, so I can’t say that I feel sorry for them. Their entire existence is stupid. Let alone the fact that they managed to have careers in reality television. These embeciles were mugging it up anywhere they could draw the paparazzi. He was hated and she was just dumb for going along with it. Now they’re broke, wahhhhhhhhh.

After starring on The Hills, they became hated for every move that they made. With good reason, too. These two were cheesing it up at Taco Bell, in the park — and in the Taco Bell in the park, if they could. Everywhere they were smiling like they were God’s gift to humanity.

So it doesn’t make me feel bad at all that they’re now living rent free at Spencer’s parent’s house in Santa Barbara. Cry me a freakin’ river, morons.

In a new interview, Heidi said, “I thought I was investing in myself and my brand, like Kim (Kardashian). I thought I had that potential. My ego got too big. To think I could be someone like that when I was the most hated girl ever.”

Spencer revealed, “What we learned is, you can be too famous. This isn’t a business. That was the big thing I didn’t get. Reality TV is not a career. Anyone who says, ‘Oh, you can have a career in reality’ — that is a lie.”

Do you feel bad for them?

Photo Credit: Fame Pictures

Heidi Montag was hanging out with runaway bride Crystal Harris in Las Vegas over the weekend. So, of course she had to use the opportunity to discuss her body and those fake boobs.

Now, this bubblehead wants us all to believe that she actually spends 14 hours a day working out. Okay……

In 2009, she underwent ten plastic surgery procedures in one day, but apparently that didn’t stop her hand-to-mouth action, which she says caused her to put on a few pounds.

She said, “I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape. And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.”

To lose the extra 27 pounds that she claims she added to her waistline, she’s been busy running and trying to get her metabolism boosted. She said, “I’ve been running a lot, and I’ve been doing weights. When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to.”

Then, she decided to talk about her boobs. She added, “My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time. So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”

You really can’t have a post about Heidi Montag without some kind of surgery or boob reference, can you?

Bubble-headed bleached blondes stick together!

A newly single Crystal Harris spent her weekend partying in Las Vegas with Heidi Montag, instead of spending Saturday afternoon marrying Playboy mogul, Hugh Hefner.

Apparently, the bunny wasn’t too far off of her mind, as she perused the July issue of the magazine, featuring her with the caption, “Mrs. Crystal Hefner”. She also got a copy of the magazine minus the newly added “Runaway Bride” sticker.

Of course, when Heidi is involved, every little pose becomes a photo shoot. So, obviously Crystal picked the right person to party with to show that she’s totally over Hef.

Still, though, she’s a heartless beast. She was rumored to be planning to leave him at the altar, in front of cameras, for a whopping $500,000.

Of the getaway, Crystal said, “I’m doing okay. I just had to get away. Today is the day and I just had to get away. I’m going back tonight so I just wanted to get away for the day.”

Ugh. At least she broke things off before she married him. Good riddance to bad rubbish, right?

Virgin Mobile concocted their fake celebrity couple, Spencer and Sarah, now known as “Sparah”. Since their manufactured existence, Spencer Pratt has become miffed. He said that the new duo is just a ripoff of their scheme. He even went as far as demanding Virgin Mobile pay him and his wife, Heidi Montag, money for snagging their likeness.

Sparah ripped into Speidi, basically saying that they don’t have time to feud with the fake television personalities….primarily because they’re not even real celebrities! Ha! I like these two already.

TMZ has the scoop:

But reps for “Sparah” — the spoof celeb couple who stars in Virgin Mobile’s new ad campaign — tell us, Virgin’s new duo has zero time to respond to Spencer’s diatribe “due to their pressing endorsement commitments with Virgin Mobile and their frequent interactions with real celebrities.”

I can’t blame Sparah for not wanting to waste any time bickering with these twits. They’ve had more than their fifteen minutes and there’s a new celebrity duo in town.

In an attempt to generate some much needed buzz about Heidi Montag’s new reality television show, Famous Food, the producers of the show have banned her husband, Spencer Pratt, from the set.

Wasn’t it a mere two days ago that this bobble-headed Barbie was saying that she wanted to live a more private life? In a recent interview, she said, “From now on, I’m going to keep my life a little more private. I think I was just doing The Hills for so long and I just needed a break. Plus, I enjoy my privacy.”

How long did you think that would last?!??

According to reports, head honchos at the show haven’t wanted Spencer around since its inception — and even Heidi agreed with them. Of course she did, it brings headlines to their names, doesn’t it?

TMZ has more:

We’re told producers were adamant … Spencer wasn’t allowed on the set, near the set, or to be involved in any way whatsoever — and not wanting bad blood … Heidi agreed to keep her man at bay.

We’re told Spencer has behaved himself so far — but we’re not getting our hopes up.

We’re going to go out on a limb here and say that this was all planned just for the show’s benefit. Call it a hunch. So much for trying to keep things private, right? Everything about these two screams, “Publicity stunt!”

Heidi Montag and her husband Spencer Pratt have been tweeting out links to OMGiv.com (mostly Spencer). Apparently this is their new website — and it’s unfinished!

Okay, so we did a little bit of nosing around and found out some goodies about the new celebrity gossip website. They purchased the domain on March 11, 2011 through GoDaddy.com. So there goes a whopping $11.99!

We’ve since learned that they’re using WordPress as a blogging platform, along with the free WordPress theme, Delicious Magazine. Total for that??? FREE.

And how do we know that the website is not finished? The photo above is of the screen when “About” is clicked, leading to this “sample page”.

What we want to know is what’s up with that cheesy logo? It sounds like they’re in desperate need of some help in the blogging department. It’s all good, guys — all of this won’t prove that you’ve got what it takes to be Charlie Sheen’s Tiger Blood Intern….so you can give it up already.

Despite reports, we’ve learned that Heidi Montag is not joining the fifth season of Celebrity Rehab!

Rumors swirled on the internet yesterday, suggesting that the former reality star had already joined the cast of the show to deal with an addiction to prescription medications. A source said, “Heidi was dropped off at the house two days ago by a friend. She is going to be on season five with the rest of the cast.”

Like everything else that Heidi is involved in, this has turned out to be fake, too. She revealed, “No, I’m not joining the cast. It sounds like a great cast and I can’t wait to watch this season!”

I wish someone would give her a job already, so we could stop hearing the rumors about her.

This whole Heidi Montag/Real Housewives drama started when Heidi tweeted, “Watch out Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Here comes Heidi.”

Bravo executive Andy Cohen commented that he would rather die than have her on the show. Well, maybe not die, but it wasn’t nice, either. He said, “Professionally, I’m not supposed to discuss any negotiations so I have to parse my words here. That trash is delusional and I would sooner stab…knives into my own eyes than see her on this network.”

He went on to say, “But good news, Heidi, you’re on my show tonight…because you’re the Jackhole of the Week.”

When the LULZ hit the internet, Heidi got offended — even though the only thing that she was seeking from this was publicity. She has taken the whiney approach, saying that he’s basically picking on her.

She said, “Andy’s tasteless remarks were hurtful and completely unnecessary. I was simply being playful. I’m well aware I’m not the right demo for that show, but Andy Cohen took it to a malicious place. I have always been a fan of the Housewives franchise and I don’t appreciate being bullied.”

And we can’t stop laughing. Eight shiny gold stars for Andy, he’s our newest hero. If Heidi needs a job, then she needs to hit HotJobs.com and find something that she can do well…I hear the Hilton might be hiring cleaning ladies.

We were just getting ready to throw Jennifer Aniston a slick high five after hearing reports that she had Heidi Montag banned from walking the red carpet for the premiere of their new movie, Just Go With It. That was, until we found out that it was probably just another publicity stunt from this reality show twit.

The movie made its premiere on Tuesday, and Heidi unleashed a few choice words for Jennifer. She said, “I’m so upset. I was so excited! This is the first movie I’ve ever been in and I can’t walk the red carpet because Jennifer Aniston decided I was ‘too polarizing’. I’ve been such a huge Jennifer Aniston fan my entire life and it’s just really upsetting that she would do this to me.”

Then, Heidi undug the foot from her mouth and released a new statement. She said, “I read that Jennifer had banned me from the premiere for being too polarizing, but I know now that it wasn’t true. It never really made sense to me because Jennifer is such a sweetheart and she even commented before on a red carpet about how interesting and fun it was to have me in the movie. I got my invite and I would have loved to be there, but I had to be in Los Angeles with my dogs. I was honored to be a part of such a great movie and I apologize to Jennifer and Sony for this big misunderstanding.”

Who else thinks that she did this for the publicity? Who else would call Heidi Montag “polarizing”, except for her biggest fan…Herself???

Apparently, Heidi Montag is still holding out hope for some kind of career in music. She has just released her new song, Heartbeat, and it is just plain awful!

Don’t believe me? Have a listen to this auto-tuned mess yourself:

The song was just released on Tuesday and already a good portion of the people that bought her first album have already viewed it! (See photo above, which was screen capped at the time of this writing, which is 1:28 AM EST.)

What do you think of Heidi’s new song?? Is it worthy of your hard-earned dollars? I sincerely thought she may have taken the hint when her first album, Superficial, FLOPPED.