earsucker

In Touch Weekly’s latest cover features the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton and Prince William with a story that reveals “she can’t get pregnant”.

Their story features “Will & Kate’s Baby Heartbreak” with a “royal doctor” confirming that the Duchess cannot conceive a royal heir. Yes, this “devastating news” would “rock their marriage” if it were true. Somehow, I don’t think that the tabloid has a snitch on the inside of Kate and William’s doctor’s office.

In addition to all of that heartbreak, it appears that they can’t adopt a baby, either. Heartbreak all around! Oh, In Touch, you’ve created so many fictitious babies for Jennifer Aniston, yet you couldn’t find it in your heart to give one to Kate? Come on.

In this issue, we’re also treated to Brad Pitt and Angelina fighting over a woman, along with Charlie Sheen threatening Ashton Kutcher, and of course, Jessica Simpson’s $1 million wedding.

What do you think of the cover? Are they full of it? I guess we’ll find out if Kate conceives, Brangelina divorces over a woman and Ashton winds up assaulted by a warlock.

In Touch Weekly just revealed their latest magazine cover, showing the Kardashian sisters. Apparently Kim, Kourtney and Khloe are all tormented by their bodies.

This cover is absolutely hilarious. Their caption says that Kourtney is being pressured to get Botox, while Khloe has put her baby plans on hold to have liposuction done due to her mother Kris calling her “fat.” And of course, they don’t leave out Kim, who they say has agreed to super-size her butt implants to stay famous.

It’s official, In Touch is all out of ideas…but we’re still inclined to believe that the one about Kim might actually be true. Can she just roll up to the plastic surgeon’s office and tell them to super-size that sucker like a Biggie order of french fries?? Or has she already done that? The jury is still out.

In Touch has also allocated a few pixels to Bristol Palin’s new face, which looks creepy. She’s already telling tall tales about having the “medically necessary” surgery to correct her jaw. Still, she’s got that joker face thing going on, don’t you think?

Related: Kris Humphries to join the Kardashians’ sixth season!

This week’s In Touch Weekly features Kim Kardashian on the front cover, along with her sister’s boyfriend, Scott Disick. The cover reveals, “Scott Confesses I’m In Love With Kim”.

This apparently has tickled Kim’s funny bone, because she took to Twitter to talk about it. She tweeted, “OMG @ScottDisick I had no idea u felt this way! @KourtneyKardash we need to talk!”

Ha! She should know that the only person Scott is in love with is himself! Just kidding — He loves his pink sweaters!

What did you think of the cover???

Just yesterday, we reported that In Touch Weekly is claiming that David Beckham paid a prostitute $10,000 for a one-night stand. After saying that they were going to fight this, Becks is now demanding a full-page retraction from the magazine.

The Guardian reports:

David Beckham is to demand a front-page retraction from US celebrity gossip magazine In Touch over allegations that he slept with a prostitute.

Beckham is understood to be planning legal action against the Bauer Media-owned title for defamation and slander. His lawyers will demand that the magazine does not repeat the allegations and prints a retraction on its front page.

He told them that he planned to sue if they published the story and they did anyways. Even though there’s no real way to prove that he didn’t cheat, can you blame him? It’s called damage control, people.