earsucker

In case you weren’t aware of how we feel about Snooki being given the opportunity to write a book, let’s catch up. She authored a book titled, A Shore Thing, which is presumably fiction. Some of the excerpts from the book have been leaked, and let’s just say this: They’re scary.

NY Post has the goodies:

* “He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”

* “Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”

* “Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”

* “Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

* “Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”

* “I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.”

Ugh, she has admitted to having read only two books in her life and now is an author. What’s even scarier is that this broad will probably make the NY Times best seller’s list. The Snooki phenomenon must be stopped — or else the entire planet will turn into Idiocracy.

Further adding to the degradation of society, Snooki’s book A Shore Thing is being released in the new year. She tweeted, “A Shore Thing by Nicole Snooki Polizzi comes out January 4th :)”

She went on to say, “Thank you guys for all the love and support of my first book! :) you can pre order at amazon and barnes and noble!”

Are you going to pick up Snooki’s book? Are you interested in what she has to say?

Snooki’s ex-boyfriend, Emilio Masella is a real piece of work!

Apparently, Jersey Shore star Jenni “J-Woww” Farley got into a car accident, and the dude didn’t even stop to help! Even worse, he paid more attention to what she and her boyfriend were wearing than to offering them any assistance.

Emilio said, “I saw her walking around with her boyfriend. She was dressed casually in sweat pants and a yellow hoody and big dark glasses. Her boyfriend looked like he was dressed to go to a club in his tight black designer shirt. His hair was all spiked. When I was leaving the mall I saw someone was in a car accident and I realized it was Jenni. she has always been so mean to me, I didn’t even stop. I mean if she was hurt I would have helped but it didn’t look serious.”

Where’s the common decency?!??

He added, “She was sitting in the car with her dark glasses on trying not to be recognized and her boyfriend was outside talking to the people who had run into them from behind.”

Stay classy you!

Just when you thought it was bad enough that Snooki snagged herself a book deal, her Jersey Shore co-star, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has just revealed his new book cover art. Ugh.

The book is titled, Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore and is set for release on November 2, 2010.

Will you buy his book? Or do you already know how to avoid grenades? (Steer clear of war zones?!?)

According to reports, Snooki and Jenni Farley (J-Woww) were looking to MTV to give them their own reality show. It was said to be a dating show of sorts, and was supposed to feature some of the girls’ ex-boyfriends.

Now, we’ve learned that MTV only wanted Snooki alone for the supposed show, leaving J-Woww with nothing but the Jersey Shore crew.

An inside snitch said, “Execs think a show focusing on Snooki will be a bigger hit, so they pushed JWoww out.” However, a rep for MTV is confirming nothing, saying, “We can’t confirm any new Jersey Shore related programming at this time.”

Will you watch a show that features only Snooki?

South Park set their aim on the characters of Jersey Shore, more specifically, on Snooki, for last night’s episode.

The episode, titled, It’s A Jersey Thing, made fun of an animal-like smooshing Snooki. It was pure genius, how they portrayed her. She will smoosh anyone who gets in her way. And of course, she loves pickles.

The real Snooki said that she even enjoyed the episode, tweeting, “snooki want smoosh smoosh. im going to have nightmares tonight lmao!!! we’ve officially made it. goodnite my bitches ♥”

Check out a video clip, after the jump! (continue reading…)

This news makes me weep for all of the potential young writers out there who have something genuine to contribute, but will never get a chance because stupid short midget reality stars who use words like “guido” and “fist pump” are taking up all of the good opportunities to write about crap that no one cares about in order to secure more money than it costs to purchase a house in the lowest-income area of the ghettos that we’re all forced to live in because our jobs pay ten dollars an hour and we’re living paycheck to paycheck, making minor ducket in a dead end job, working for a boss who could give a crap less about how we feel about overtime and vacation pay and only wants to see productivity levels rise because that’s all his boss cares about, and you know what happens if he gets yelled at, that crap trickles downward to us minions who end up getting fired and living on the street because one little spreadsheet was missing a zero and now we’re homeless and begging for change on the corner, hoping that no one calls the cops on us for panhandling.

I blame Snooki.

Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has been offered $100,000 to appear in commercials for FleshDrive.

They sell USB drives that come pre-loaded with porn, in case you were wondering. A company spokesperson said, “We know that Snooki makes a big impression wherever she goes, and that is why her tiny figure and incredible attitude will fit perfectly within the FleshDrive world.”

Page Six reports:

According to the letter sent by FleshDrive, Polizzi’s deal is for three years, and she will have to shoot three commercials and appear at three events per year to promote the technology.

Should she do it? Sounds like easy money to me. But for three years and only $100,000. She would only have to walk five red carpets to make that kind of money and she could probably do that within a year’s time. What do you think?

Snooki wizzed by the slew of reports at the VMAs this year, without so much as an interview or anything. According to a new report, she charges $20,000 to appear on the red carpet at events like these.

The above photo is from her white carpet appearance on September 12th in Los Angeles. Did she even stop to say hello to anyone? Nope. She walked on by like she was a miss priss.

And you would think that if she can charge enough for a car to show up and walk up to an event, that she could’ve at least purchased a dress that fits and didn’t look scuzzy. She needs a makeover and STAT.

Over and out.

Image: Earsucker.com/Pandie Suicide

Our very own reporter, Pandie Suicide is live on the red white carpet as the celebrities are about to start rolling through for the 2010 MTV VMAs. Check it out! (continue reading…)

Earlier today, Snooki appeared in court over her charge for annoying people and disorderly conduct. The judge referred to her as a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe” and said that he didn’t know if her dignity was worth a paycheck.

Just when I thought this judge was my new hero, Lindsay’s mother Dina has to open her yap and say that she’s basically unamused. Ugh. Any opportunity to cash in, right?

Dina didn’t find it funny AT ALL that the judge used her daughter’s name in reference to the tiny, tanned reality star. TMZ reports:

Dina tells TMZ, “The family is very disappointed that a judge would say that in a court of law.”

Judge Damian Murray ripped into Snooks today during her court appearance for basically being sloppy drunk on the beach.

Lindsay’s atttorney Stephanie Ovadia added, “The comments were very unprofessional.”

This just makes me laugh even harder about it. HAHA. Thanks Dina, you’re officially a moron.

Snooki appeared in court today over her annoying drunken charge. The judge said that she seemed like a Lindsay Lohan wannabe and sentenced her to the following:

$500 in fines
$33 in court costs
2 days of community service

He said that all of the other charges have been dropped. Do you think that’s fair? She did apologize to the Seaside Heights cops.

What do you think? Justice? Or celebrity justice???

Snooki’s boyfriend, Jeff Miranda, appears on the cover of the September issue of Steppin’ Out magazine, on bended knee, proposing to the pint-sized guidette.

Snooks wasn’t having any of that. The NY Post reports:

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi promptly responded to Jeff Miranda’s marriage proposal, which will appear on the cover of the Sept. 10 issue of Steppin’ Out magazine, via her Twitter account, saying she’s “not going to get married.”

The shocking rejection, which comes a day after Miranda’s surprise proposal, means that the 4-foot-9 guidette is still Snookin’ for love.

“Just want to set the record straight. I’m single and I’m not going to get married,” Polizzi tweeted earlier today.

Good for her. This dude seems like a total famewhore.

In guido heaven, this guy would be perfect. Jeff Miranda appears on the latest cover of ultra chic Steppin’ Out magazine with a special question for girlfriend Snooki. And no, it’s not “Honey, where’s the tanning lotion?”

He asked her to marry him. How cute! Can you imagine all of the little white midget wedding dresses she’ll be trying on in future episodes of Jersey Shore??!? Me either.

Moving on. Nothing to see here.

Jersey Shore star Snooki’s ex-boyfriend, Emilio Masella admits that he made a mistake while dating the famous pickle loving reality star. No, it wasn’t dating her in the first place. He says that he regrets not following in the footsteps of his mentor, Spencer Pratt, and making a Snooki sex tape. Gross.

Do we really need to see THIS without clothes on?

The world is unfair.

While hanging out in Seaside Heights, New Jersey yesterday, Snooki showed off her best side. She was shopping and hanging out with JWoww when she showed her butt.

Gross. Someone needs to purchase their clothes in a bit of a bigger size. Don’t you think?

Jersey Shore reality star Snooki says that she never wants to go to jail again and that she’s “too pretty” for it. Ha!

Of her recent disorderly conduct arrest, she said, “I don’t know why people are taking it so seriously. I had a couple cocktails and they just put me in a drunk tank to sober me up. I was on the beach. It happens to the best of us, and I’m not planning on going back to jail ever again. I was a public nuisance — big deal!”

She won’t be facing any more jail time, which is a good thing for the pint-sized star.

She added, “I’m too pretty to be in jail. I’m a good person. I’m not a criminal, and I will never go back there. You can’t even contain me. When I was in there, I was like, ‘Can I come out? I can’t breathe!’ Not a fun place. I will never go back.”

Do you think she learned her lesson?

As soon as a celebrity of any stature gets arrested, there is a mug shot released almost immediately. So far, there has been nothing with Snooki. She was arrested earlier today on disorderly conduct charges, and yet there has been no visible proof.

Was it all a setup for the third season of Jersey Shore? We’ve seen a lot of photos from her drunken arrest, but no mug shot has been unveiled.

Come on, you know you want to see her “Slut” t-shirt as she mugs for the cameras at the jail, right?

Not wanting Lindsay Lohan to have the entire spotlight on her for being in jail, Snooki has just gotten arrested in Seaside Heights, New Jersey.

There aren’t many reports yet as to what she’s been detained for, but we’ll keep you posted as soon as anything is available.

Can’t wait for the mug shot goodness!

Stay tuned…

Update: Cops busted Snooki for disorderly conduct. Stay tuned!

Jersey Shore star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino may have something that ladies want to look at, but trust me, his rapping voice leaves a lot to be desired. After the jump, you can listen to The Situation Rap and yes – it is as awful as it sounds.

You’ve been warned! (continue reading…)

Leif Garrett busted for heroin! – Celebrity Smack

Celebrities who lip sync – Hollywood Dame

Snooki’s makeover on Inside Edition! – Amy Grindhouse

Kellan Lutz half naked in his Calvins – Hollywood Dame

Pamela Anderson going on “Dancing With The Stars”? – Dipped In Cream

Gerard Butler shows his butt – Allie Is Wired

Jamie Kennedy shows his ….ummm…stuff – Tragicomical

Lindsay Lohan is a hoarder? – Busy Bee Blogger

Amy Winehouse, the hovering housewife? – I Need My Fix

Britney Spears worst dressed at the Grammys? – Poor Britney

Just as quickly as we put the story up, does Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi deny the gossip and rumors surrounding her naked pics that were said to be up for sale.

She took to her official Twitter page to debunk the rumors that there are nude photos and a sex tape being shopped around.

She tweeted, “Idk where radar online comes up with their stories..weirdos.” The publication claimed that there was “nothing left to the imagination and even went as far as saying that they couldn’t describe one of the photos.

Snooki added, on Twitter, “Like i said before about my supposed ‘sex tape’…There are no nude pictures nor will there ever be. the tabloids just love snook gossip ;]”

And there you have it!

It wasn’t bad enough that JWoww took some nude photos, but now we’ve heard that Snooki also got naked in front of the camera.

RadarOnline reports:

The stills and video leave nothing to the imagination, as she is wearing only a smile. In one photo she is in her bedroom, on her knees, with one hand on the ground and the other holding the rail of the bed frame. She is looking at the camera with her head tilted slightly. Her spot-it-anywhere fingernail polish is plainly visible. Another shot is too graphic to describe.

Gross, gross and even more gross. Is there a market for this madness?

Update: I’ve heard that there’s video, too! Could your eyes handle that? Lulz.

Update #2: You pervs can view the photo here. You’re welcome.