earsucker

According to the latest issue of Star magazine, reality star Kim Kardashian is already miserable in her marriage to basketball player, Kris Humphries.

Maybe she just has way too much butt for him?!? I’m just sayin’, that thing is ginormous enough to need its own zip code. Perhaps she crushed him with it and he’s going to be talking high-pitched for some time now? Anything is possible, right?

Still, I wouldn’t doubt if this is all part of the Kardashian’s well-thought out plan to hijack America into thinking that she fell in love with Lurch, only to leave him a month or two later. And to find out that it was all for the benefit of the reality show cameras.

I swear, if they pull a Heidi Montag/Spencer Pratt on us, we’re going to trash this broad from here to Kingdom Come (Spoiler Alert: We already do.)

I can’t be alone in thinking that their marriage was a sham to begin with, right? Who’s with me? If they split and it’s all over the headlines, I called it.

You can send your checks to: Jed Eckert, Fortune teller and writer extraordinaire, C/O Earsucker.com. We wear many hats here, but I mostly am the resident Magic 8-Ball.

Isn’t Star magazine ever going to get tired of showing the same people over and over on the cover of their issues? Seriously, it’s either Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston. They never tire of making stuff up, do they? While we are firm believers that everyone has their secrets, we’re pretty sure they don’t have a fly on the wall at the Brangelina house.

According to the tabloid, Angelina and Brad had a secret trial separation. In addition to that, there has been some “cheating”, of course with men AND women. Because when all else fails, you can always call into question the ever present bisexual rumors surrounding Angelina.

Another bombshell that they’re attempting to drop is that Angelina was “held hostage with a gun to her head”.

Plus, they’re offering eleven never before seen family photos.

Is this something that you’d pick up from the store? Or are you tired of them basically rehashing all of the same news every week? Perhaps they should really start with some truthful reporting? Maybe make a call to Angelina’s rep for a real story?

Angelina Jolie’s weight has become the spotlight on the latest cover of Star magazine. The tabloid is claiming that Angie is down to a scary 99 pounds!

Now that they’ve basically covered all of the angles of the love triangle between she, Brad and Jennifer, they’re going after her for her weight. It appears that they were all out of “baby” headlines and arguments. Is Star magazine running out of ideas?

Yes, Angelina is thin. But, she has always been thin. This should not come as a surprise to anyone. Star should worry, though, because of their drug claims. They’re reporting that Angelina is suffering from a heroin relapse, so you can expect a lawsuit to come out of this one, very soon.

Didn’t they learn anything from the Katie Holmes drama? Here comes a lawsuit, along with a donation to the rainbow baby charity that Angelina is fond of.

On the inset photo, they’ve got a tiny picture of Selena Gomez straddling Justin Bieber in Hawaii. On the top, of course, is how Jennifer Aniston “stole” her new man. So she’s taking a page out of Angelina’s book. Gah, we knew that they would weave Jen in there somewhere. Also featured are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart’s split and Kate Hudson’s prenup battle. Umm, okay.

Are you believing anything they print anymore?

Star magazine has become good at trying to generate some controversy surrounding Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, so this latest magazine cover doesn’t really surprise us.

According to the tabloid, Angelina caught Brad with the “Jen look-alike” nanny! And wouldn’t you just know that they’d figure out some way to put Jennifer Aniston’s name in there?!??

In a recent interview, Brad talked about knowing that he wanted to have a large family, after hanging out with friends whose families were larger. He said, “I know it seems extreme from the outside, but I’ve always kind of operated this way. When I know, I know, and why mess around?”

He went on to reveal, “I just decided then if I was ever going to do it – this left some indelible mark on me – if I was ever going to do it, that’s the way I was going to do it.”

Given that knowledge, we’re going to go ahead and call BS on Star’s report right now. What do you think?

Star magazine is at it today, too. With their new magazine cover, they’re claiming that Jennifer Aniston is having a baby! I guess they’re tired of the whole “love triangle” thing between Jen and Brangelina, so they’ve jumped on the baby bandwagon. Because, how can a woman who’s 42-years-old not want to start a family already and not be sickened by the thought of living this unhappy life that everyone must think she has. Ugh.

In their “World Exclusive Interview”, they claim they’ve talked to Jen’s “secret lover” who “tells all!” Of course, we all want to know “Why she waited so long”, don’t you?

She has previously denied adoption and all of the baby rumors, so why must they persist? Now, the only way I’ll believe that Jennifer is actually pregnant is if I see the emerging baby bump when she’s like five months along.

I blame the tabloids.

In Star magazine’s January 2011 issue, they made allegations that would suggest that Katie Holmes is a drug addict. They published their “drug shocker” on their front cover, leaving Katie’s attorneys to sink their teeth right in. The actress decided to sue the publication for $50 million, but now everything has been settled.

On the cover of their latest issue, they point to an apology from Star to Katie herself. They state that they didn’t intend to suggest that Katie is any way a drug addict or is being treated for addiction. The magazine has also made a donation to the charity of Katie’s choice and the matter has been dropped.

Katie has since issued this statement, “I’m pleased that this lawsuit could be resolved amicably and accept American Media’s apology.”

Good for her!

Katie Holmes is suing American Media Inc. over publishing her alleged drug problem on the front cover of Star magazine’s January issue!

She’s seeking $50 million in damages after the publication claimed that she has an “addiction shocker”. They also revealed “The real reason she can’t leave Tom”. Her lawyer called BS on all of the magazine’s allegations and said that everyone should sue to get their money back!

The Wrap reports:

Star’s “vicious lies about plaintiff, designed to hype the sale of its sleazy tabloid magazine, were calculated to cause severe harm,” reads the lawsuit, obtained by TheWrap. “The average reader (would) understand that plaintiff has become shockingly addicted to drugs… There is no other way to understand them. The cover even created the false impression that, but for plaintiff’s nightmare drug addiction, she would ‘leave’ her husband.”

The inside article has no truths to back up the cover’s claims, according to her lawyer. He said, “We see these tabloids every week. They’ve been attacking her and her husband for years now, and she finally said, ‘Enough is enough.’ She wants to stand up for her legal rights. This is such an outrageous statement, this idea that this loving mother is on drugs, or suffering an addiction nightmare – there’s not a shred of truth to it.”

Get ‘em Katie!

Just yesterday, Star magazine featured Jennifer Aniston on their cover with the title, “Yes, I’m adopting”. Of course, that would lead everyone to believe that Jen wants a baby. Well, we didn’t believe one word of it and now (drum roll), she’s denying it!

We reported:

The cover says that the “adoption papers” are “signed and sealed”, leaving us to believe that Jen is just about ready to bring a baby home. They even go as far as saying that they’ve interviewed an official at the orphanage where Jen adopted her new son or daughter. She’s taking her friend Courteney Cox’s advice on who to use for a nanny, as well.

Now that these rumors have surfaced for the 804,831 time, Jennifer wants to set the record straight. He rep said of the rumors, “It is completely false. Jennifer is not adopting a baby from Mexico, nor does she have a nursery in her home and she has not hired a nanny. It is all a work of fiction.”

Did you believe the rumors?

According to the latest cover of Star magazine, perpetual lonely girl Jennifer Aniston is adopting a baby from Mexico!

The cover says that the “adoption papers” are “signed and sealed”, leaving us to believe that Jen is just about ready to bring a baby home. They even go as far as saying that they’ve interviewed an official at the orphanage where Jen adopted her new son or daughter.

She’s taking her friend Courteney Cox’s advice on who to use for a nanny, as well. The only thing that’s missing from this story is the actual confirmation. It’s Star magazine, so no one’s going to believe this just yet. Now if it shows up on People, you can rest assured that it’s a done deal.

Do you think Jennifer wants to adopt a baby this year? I have to be honest, when I first saw the cover with Jen on it, I was sure they would try and find some way to make it about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. It’s the love triangle that never dies — even though it’s been forever since they’ve been together.

“Star” magazine has themselves quite the doozy on their latest front page.

Right before her split with Tony Romo, she was seen with Tiger Woods after singing at an event. Since Tiger has seemingly been with every woman in the country, it was only natural for them to put two and two together and come up with four.

A source reportedly said, “Tiger liked what he saw and let her know it. Jessica said that she felt like Tony wasn’t paying attention to her, so she was like, ‘What the heck!’ She decided to have fun with Tiger whether it bothered Tony or not.”

She denies that anything happened between herself and the golf star, tweeting this, “can’t believe that I’m on the cover of star magazine with Tiger Woods, what a JOKE! “The Shocking Inside Story” is (insert drumroll) A LIE!”

There you have it!