Two And A Half Men Season 9 Episode 1 ‘Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt’ Recap 9/19/11

Two And A Half Men Season 9 Episode 1 'Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt' Recap 9/19/11

The ninth season of Two And A Half Men made its premiere tonight and we’ve got your recap right here! It’s Ashton Kutcher’s debut episode, aptly titled, Nice To Meet You, Walden Schmidt.

Tonight’s show opens with Charlie’s funeral and Alan is giving his eulogy. He said that it’s a sad day for all of them, but Jenny McCarthy pipes up and tells him to speak for himself. Charlie’s ex-girlfriends start listing off all of the STD’s that Charlie gave them. His mother interrupts to say that they’re talking about her dead son, along with his beach house (she details out all of the trimmings).

The ex-girlfriends don’t seem to be interested in Alan’s eulogy and they’re asking to see his body. Jenny’s character said that she didn’t come all this way to spit on a closed coffin. Alan says that his remains aren’t “spittable”.

Rose takes the podium and tells everyone that Charlie was the love of her life and a great man. She said their relationship had its ups and downs and the occasional restraining order, but at the end, they ran away together to Paris where he asked her to marry him. She said yes and revealed that the next few days were the happiest of her life. She said nothing could spoil it, even when she came home from shopping and found him in the shower with another woman.

She said she forgave him because she loved him unconditionally. So they could imagine her horror when he slipped right in front of the Metro in the way of an uncoming train. Berta says never to cross a crazy woman. Rose went on to say that Charlie didn’t suffer, and that his body just exploded “like a balloon full of meat.”

Back at the beach house, Charlie’s family and friends have gathered to talk about his life. Berta says that he was the best boss she ever had. She said if she needed a day off or a few extra bucks, he said, ‘Sure, Berta, no problem.’ All he asked in return was clean sheets and hosing off the vomit from the occasional drug-addled hooker. Charlie’s mother asks Berta to continue cleaning the place and she asks if she’s going to continue getting paid. His mother says that there is no money in Charlie’s estate and that she’ll pay Berta when the house sells. Berta says that’s when she’ll clean it.

Alan says that Charlie left the place to him because he obviously wanted him to have it. His mother asks if he can afford the mortgage payments or the property taxes on it, to which Alan responds, “No”. Alan says that he was hoping she would help out with that because her grandson lives there part-time. She says that she can’t afford to maintain her house and his house at the same time. She says once she sells the place, Alan can go live with her. He asks if he’ll get anything from the sale and she said that Charlie had three mortgages on the place. Once it sells, after escrow fees and her commission, he’ll be lucky to break even. Alan is surprised that his mother wants to take a commission on the sale of the property. She said, pointing to Berta, ‘She doesn’t work for free, why should I?’

John Stamos arrives to take a look at the beach house. (Uncle Jesse!) He asks if that was Charlie Harper’s old place, and she says yes. He said then he can’t buy it. She asks why and he said that he and Charlie had a drunken threesome on the couch — and the girl passed out and he and Charlie went on without her.

Next up to take a look at the place is Jenna Elfman (Dharma!). She said the place oozes positive energy. Greg also makes an appearance, looking at the place with her. She says they should let the universe provide, to which he says he provides, by working 80 hours a week. He threatens divorce and she says she’ll take him and his bourgeois family for all they’ve got. She leaves.

A delivery guy shows up at the door with a package for Alan. Alan seems excited and says he wonders what the package is. The delivery guy says it’s from a crematorium, so that kinda narrows it down. Alan says that’s his brother and yells to Berta that “Charlie is here!”

Alan takes the urn out and starts talking to it. He said it’s just like old times, he’s talking and Charlie is in a bottle, ignoring him. Alan said he wanted to tell him that he loved him and he’ll miss him and he’ll always be grateful that he took Jake and himself in and letting them live there all these years. He has to figure out what to do with Charlie and he tells the urn that he knows what he said he wanted, but he doesn’t think that Pamela Anderson would agree to swallow his ashes. He said he could take Charlie with him to live at their mom’s, but that’s how horror movies start. Then, he says that he could sprinkle him all over the beach.

He unscrews the cap to the urn and says now is as good a time as any. He gets up and gets scared by Ashton Kutcher’s character, who causes Alan to spill Charlie’s ashes all over the floor. What’s this guy doing on the balcony?!? Berta comes in and says she’s not cleaning him up.

Walden (Ashton) asks Alan to use his phone and Alan asks him if he’s okay. He said yes and that he was just trying to drown himself. He said he tried to commit suicide, but had no idea that the water would be that cold. Ashton makes a call to tell whoever’s on the other end that he flung himself out into the ocean because he can’t live without them. She doesn’t seem to care that he tried committing suicide. He asks Alan for a wetsuit.

Alan says that it can’t be that bad. Walden says, “It could be, you don’t know.” Alan offers him a seat and says that he’s been there, “rejected, friendless, broke”, and Walden says that he’s not broke and that he’s worth “like a billion dollars”. He said he’s worth $1.3 billion, but he’d give it all up if she would take him back.

Walden says that money doesn’t buy happiness, and Alan says he wouldn’t know, he’s never had either. Walden says that Alan is doing fine, he lives in a beach house. Alan says that the place isn’t his, it’s his brother’s (pointing to the dust where Charlie’s ashes went flying). Walden apologizes for making Alan spill Charlie and Alan says that’s okay and that he’ll just dustbust him later.

Walden goes to live and Alan asks him if he’s sure he’s okay. Walden says that he’s just going to go back to his hotel room and update his Facebook status to “not dead yet”. He offers to take Walden out for a drink to talk. Walden asks about what and Alan says, “Why someone would want to kill themselves when they have a billion freakin’ dollars?”

Alan offers to dry his clothes for him, and Walden promptly undresses right there in the living room. When he’s naked, Walden goes in for a hug and says, “You’re a good guy, Alan Harper”.

They venture off to a bar and Alan orders an appletini. Walden orders a ginger ale. Alan said that he’s fresh from a suicide attempt and orders a ginger ale? Walden said that he doesn’t like the taste of alcohol. Alan said, “No one likes the taste of alcohol, they like the effects of alcohol” and that it makes you feel “tall, good looking and smart.” Walden says that he is tall, good looking and smart.

Alan asked him how he got so rich and Walden said that he started a company and sold it to Microsoft for $1.3 billion and they bundled his software with their iPod killer, the Zune. Alan said he didn’t get the software with his Zune and Walden asks, “You bought a Zune?”

They start drinking more appletinis and start talking about Walden’s ex, Bridget. He said that she told him he was emotionally immature. Alan said like threatening suicide when she won’t take him back? Walden said that’s not immature, that’s romantic.

Alan said that “when life serves you ball breakers, you have to make ‘ball breaker aid”.

Alan coaches Walden to hit on the girl next to him and forget about Bridget for tonight. He says, “Hi” awkwardly, but after Alan nudges him, he tells the girl how he feels like he’s going to die and that his wife left him and he doesn’t think he can love anyone else as much as he loved her. Much to Alan’s surprise, the girl, Kelly, consoles him and tells him that everything is going to be okay. Alan tries the same line on the girl next to Kelly.

They bring the girls back to Alan’s place and he offers them a drink. The girls ask Walden what’s upstairs and he says, “Probably a bedroom”. They say, “Why don’t we go find out?” and they make their way up the stairs.

Alan comes back and asks who’s up for margaritas, but finds that the girls have taken Walden upstairs. He tells the dustbuster (with Charlie’s ashes in it) to shut up.

The next morning, Walden comes downstairs naked, and Berta’s in the kitchen. He introduces himself, saying, “I’m Walden”, to which she says, “I’m impressed.”

Walden passes Alan and tells him that he had sex with two girls last night. Alan said that he masturbated and cried himself to sleep. Walden said he liked his night better. Walden says that he digs his house, so he’s gonna buy it. Alan says okay and Walden goes in for another naked hug and tells Alan he’s the best.

Jake and his mother, Judith, walk in while they’re hugging and Alan backs off. Alan introduces him and informs them that he’s going to be buying the house. He walks upstairs and she stares at his butt the whole time and says that she likes him.

What did you think of tonight’s episode? Let us know in the comments!

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