Tonight is a brand new episode of the newly revamped Two And A Half Men, starring Ashton Kutcher. Tonight’s episode is called A Giant Cat Holding Churro and we’ve got our official recap right here! In case you’ve missed last week’s show, you can check out our official recap here.
The show opens with Alan on his bed in his pajamas. Lyndsey is in the bathroom, waiting to come out to get ready for bed. He wants sex, but she says that she’s bloated from dinner and just wants to go to sleep. He says no problem, but then informs her that he took a Viagra about twenty minutes ago, in anticipation of tonight. She offers him twenty dollars to let her go to sleep, but he says he doesn’t want her money and there are other ways she can reimburse him.
She kicks him out of the bedroom, in his underwear and he says that he should’ve taken the $20. In the living room, Alan comes in and Walden offers him some whiskey. Alan says that he thought he didn’t like to drink. Walden says he doesn’t, but he’s trying to learn. He says that he’s getting better, after taking a swig.
Alan asks Walden if this is about his ex-wife, and he reluctantly says yes. Alan tells him that alcohol is just a bandage for his problems and takes away his glass. Alan turns on the TV in order to try and get Walden’s mind off of Bridget. He says that Bridget and he used to watch TV. Alan turns the channel to what he calls soft-core cable porn from 1992. Walden says that he hasn’t watched porn since college and Alan says him neither. Walden says that when he sees it now, he just feels bad for the girls. Alan tells him to shh so he can watch. Walden said that the flick is not historically accurate and medieval bakers did not dress up like Chef Boyardee.
They notice that the girl in the flick looks familiar. Walden asks Alan if he weren’t there, would he be masturbating? Alan said he’d already be done and fixing a sandwich. Walden says that the girl in the video looks like a younger version of Alan’s girlfriend, Lyndsey. Alan blows off the comment and Walden says it sounds like her, too. Alan realizes that it is, in fact, Lyndsey in the flick. Walden says that he’s going to go upstairs and masturbate. Alan stops him and asks if he’s going to pleasure himself to his girlfriend? Walden says no, that would be creepy, he’s going to go pleasure himself while thinking about his wife.
Alan watches more of the porno flick and undoes his robe….
Alan and Lyndsey are having breakfast together the next morning and she asks if his day looks busy. She says that she’s sorry about last night, and that she offered this morning. He said that she can’t expect him to turn on like a light switch. She says that in the entire time she’s known him, he has never passed up the opportunity for sex. He said so as not to hurt her feelings, he said sometimes his mouth is saying yes, while his soul is screaming nooooooooo.
More sex jokes roll in as Berta interrupts their conversation about “Mr. Pokey”. Berta says that it sounds like it would be a short conversation. Lyndsey goes to leave and Berta tells her that she’s an attractive woman and she doesn’t have to settle.
Berta asks Alan if he’s having trouble in paradise and he asks her why he would share his troubles with her. She says that she may tease him now and then, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about him as a human being. He starts telling her his long, drawn-out problems and she walks away. After explaining his situation in full, he realizes that Berta isn’t there. He yells, “Hello?!?” and she says, “It turns out, I don’t care!”
Walden walks into the kitchen and says that he was thinking about Alan’s girlfriend’s porno movie and he wants to learn to bake. He wants to make cookies, cupcakes and pies and thinks it would be fun. Alan asks him that’s what he took from watching two people get it on in a sixteenth century kitchen? Walden says that he already knows how to have sex, but asks how do you make buttermilk biscuits?
Alan goes to visit Lyndsey and tells her that they need to talk. She asks if everything is okay, he says not really and asks to come in. She thinks he’s still upset about not getting laid last night. He tells her that after she went to sleep, he stumbled upon her motion picture. She said it was twenty years ago and that she was young and stupid and needed the money.
He asks her why she didn’t tell him about it and she said who wouldn’t be looking forward to this conversation? Alan says that he feels like an idiot and she said that the casting director told her he could get her on Melrose Place. She apologizes and says that she should’ve told him. He asks if there are any other secrets that she wants to tell him. She turned it around and asks if there are any secrets he wants to tell her. He says he’s an open book. She asks what he’s ashamed of and doesn’t want anyone to know about. He says that when he was a little boy, they had a dog named Rusty who loved peanut butter. He says that his brother convinced him that the best way to feed the dog was to rub the peanut butter on his testicles. He said that the dog got very, very fat.
Later on, he’s telling Lyndsey how he kissed a guy because how else would he have known if he was gay. He says that he may love Broadway musicals and has an eye for fashion, but that’s where it stops.
Apparently Alan has embezzled money from his family, cheated on her with an old girlfriend, might be the father of Judith and Herb’s baby, he didn’t tell his late brother that the woman he was chasing was married to a mannequin because she gave him $50,000 to keep it a secret. And to top it all off, he gave the family dog Type 2 Diabetes.
Alan adds one more thing…. He reminds her of the diamond earrings he got her for her birthday last year.. She guesses that they’re not real…He says they’re real, but he kinda stole them from his ex-wife. He says that it feels really good to get all of that off of his chest.
He tells her that it’s her turn to talk and she kicks him out of her place. He says that he probably shouldn’t have gone first.
Back in the kitchen, Berta is putting feathers in Walden’s hair and he’s chomping on a brownie saying that he’s glad he learned to bake. She says that she’s glad she’s baked. Alan walks in and asks what they’re doing. Walden says he’s baking brownies and Berta’s turning his head into a dreamcatcher.
Alan tells them that he and Lyndsey split up. He says that he made the mistake in thinking that honesty is the best policy. Berta tells him that the only time he ever wants to be completely honest is when the paramedics ask, “What did you take?” Walden and Berta are as high as kites. Drug references and primetime network television — what a great combination. Alan leaves, telling them that he needs time to be alone.
Cut to Alan’s bedroom and he’s leaving Lyndsey a voicemail message. He tells that he was so honest with her because he cares about her and trusts her and says that a lot of those things he’s never told anybody. He says that he would appreciate it if she didn’t tell anyone either.
He tells her that he loves her and misses her and he’s sorry for making such a big deal ab out her movie career. He tells her, for what it’s worth, he got a really big kick out of seeing her original breasts. Walden is calling Alan downstairs.
Walden is in the living room with a bunch of bikini clad girls, yelling, “Surprise!” at him as he comes in the room. Walden tells him it’s a party to cheer him up. Walden invited the Malibu College beach volleyball team. Alan says that it’s too soon for him to be partying and that he’s still hurting over Lyndsey. Walden asks what he’s going to do with the incredibly hot girls in bikinis who are getting stoned out of their minds. So Alan comes back and tells Walden that he’s right and he was being thoughtless.
Later on during the party, the girls are squirting whipped cream and chocolate syrup on Alan. He asks them if he looks delicious, because he feels delicious. The door bell rings and it’s Lyndsey! He addresses her as Cinnamon (from the porn) and she asks if he’s seen it, too. He says a little bit, but then he went upstairs to masturbate. She asks if Alan is there and he says he doesn’t think so….so he shuts the door after telling her that he’ll check. He walks toward the girls, and then walks back to the door, opens the little door like peephole and asks if her if she said “Alan”.
As Alan is telling the girls that they can eat him up “free style”, Walden picks him up and tosses him over the deck. Walden tells Alan that he’ll thank him later and Alan says, “I can fly!”, then says, “No, I can’t.”
Walden goes back to the door and tells Lyndsey that Alan isn’t there. She asks if he’s having some sort of party in there and he says no and that it’s just a bunch of stoned girls dancing. Lyndsey leaves. Alan is behind the door, asking if that was Lyndsey. He’s mad that Walden threw him over the deck instead of just telling her that he wasn’t there.
The next day, Alan is talking to Lyndsey and she says that she can’t fault him for opening up. She says that every relationship has to be based on honesty. She asks him where he was when she came over to the house. Cut to him getting tossed out of her place again. He walks away calling himself a “schmuck.”
What did you think of tonight’s episode of the show? Too many sex, masturbating and weed references for regular television? Does the show still suck without Charlie? Sound off in the comments below and let us know what you think!